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[isdf]

HELLO

"Greetings. This is Kisaragi Yuma."

GOODBYE

TEXT | VIDEO | VOICE | ACTION

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[paenitete]

[ her stomach clenches hard. a heavy weight bears down on her chest. even hearing the word... ]

You all... died?

[isdf]

No. Thorns alone lived.

[And that's why he knows—he knows he could have done better.]

[paenitete]

[ she goes silent, but her fists tighten in her lap. it's not like she can refute him without having context for this, but is refuting what he needs? ]

Were you trying to hurt them?

[isdf]

[Confusion momentarily creases his brow before he shakes his head.]

We weren't together. It was just me and Hak that time.

[paenitete]

Intent matters. You weren't trying to hurt anyone when you made those mistakes. That's all they were. They're inevitable.

[isdf]

No. Mistakes are only acceptable in the beginning. After enough trial and error, any more would be unacceptable.

[paenitete]

Says who?

[isdf]

Is that not true from an organizational perspective? As soldiers, we're expected to perform at a certain level of excellence at a minimum.

[paenitete]

But being a soldier isn't all you are! It doesn't have to be! Even I'm not like that!

[isdf]

[That's because she's—]

It is my pride as an ISDF soldier. Is that so wrong?

[paenitete]

It is because it hurts you! We all heard it!

[isdf]

What . . . Exactly what did you hear to think so?

[paenitete]

[ she pauses to make sure she remembers correctly ]

The last question is the one I got wrong. I mentioned it earlier. I thought you'd want to hear "you've proven your worth," but you didn't. When I picked that option... you asked if that meant you're no longer defective. Then you wanted to know what the next directive is.

[isdf]

[He . . . didn't?]

. . . That is what we do. When we complete a mission, we are given another assignment.

[paenitete]

But that wasn't the right answer.

You just wanted to hear that it's okay to be you even when you're not useful.

[isdf]

[That's irrational.

He looks away sharply. His hand reflexively tightens around the water bottle before loosening. He shouldn't be thinking like that.]

[paenitete]

Hey...

[ she hesitates and then sets a hand on his arm. ]

You're not on any base. You won't get in any kind of trouble for thinking like that. It's just me here.

[isdf]

[He glances at her hand, then at the space between her and his arm before he stares down at the grass.]

I'm . . . not useless.

[paenitete]

Yuma...

[ for real. she felt so bad after she flunked on that answer. she feels personally responsible to right this for them both.

she squeezes his arm. ]

You don't need to have a use. It's okay.

[isdf]

No . . . I . . .

[He was supposed to come here and deliver a report—nothing more, nothing less. He knows what he must do, and it's not this. It's . . . not okay.]

[paenitete]

[ this poor eight year old....... she just keeps still and waits. ]

It is okay.

[isdf]

[ . . . No.

Yuma lifts his head with the hard set of his brow. This is the very thing he contemplated before coming back. He mustn't allow himself to be swept away.]

I am a soldier. No matter what happens to this mortal body of mine, that will not change.

[paenitete]

[ just keeps her hand there. ]

You're not just a soldier. You're a person with thoughts and feelings. You make mistakes and get stubborn and upset like any person does. You wouldn't feel that sense of duty and pride if you didn't have emotions to begin with, right?

[isdf]

[Finally, he turns his head to look at her. After several beats of doing so, the tension in his brow subsides, and he offers her one of his usual smiles.

Even if he wanted to tell her, he couldn't.]

That is what I want. [To be a soldier first and foremost.] I want it with every fiber of my being.

[paenitete]

[ well. now she knows how fake that smile is.

she also knows that something has its grip on him, although she can't say what it is. there's another person beneath all of those masks who wants to be understood.

she draws her hand back. ]

Not every wish gets to come true. I think... you'll be happier if you let that one go, even if it's just while you're here. But I can't make you.